it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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