I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
