Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize