Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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