Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
