no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
