the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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