8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
