Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
