I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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