i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?