So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
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the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?