there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
