I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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