If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
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I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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