So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
