I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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