so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
