dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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