Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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