I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
