if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
