I cannot find my penis.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
