Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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