Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
