I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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