Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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