Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
