A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
