Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
