I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
