i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
