Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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