I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
