It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
