I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
