You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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