Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
