his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My ass is underappreciated
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
