Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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