Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just leave with hair like that
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.