Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
