The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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