70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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