we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
