Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
