She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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