Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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