he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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