I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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