My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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