I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
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Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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