i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
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You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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