2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize