I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
